Once upon a time.. Many lifetimes ago, in a land not too far from here, there lived another version of myself that starkly contrasts the one that exists in this reality.
I say many lifetimes, but it was only a decade.
I spent my adolescence in a little retirement community (turned meth/prostitution-town) in Southern California, called Hemet. When I moved there at the age of 12, it was a sweet, cute (compared to where I came from), & full of new opportunity for myself & my siblings.
We came from a TINY town in New Mexico, so even Hemet seemed large & busy to us.
Moving to California was a timeline jump that changed the entire trajectory of my life. I was on to fame & fortune, & I knew it the moment my parents excitedly said the words “We’re moving!”
When we got here, it was a bit of a bump adjustment. The culture was completely different than what I was used to, & while it was fun & exciting, it was also overwhelming. We were LDS (Mormon), when we moved to CA, & the combination of experiencing public schools here for the first time, which were substantially further ahead in their curriculum than New Mexico’s schools we had just left – with the culture shock of 6th graders running around in belly shirts & makeup on, smoking their big sister’s weed & stealing their parent’s beer… let me tell you, it was a lot.
I had never been exposed to ANYTHING like this before moving.
I was quick to jump into that lifestyle. Drinking & smoking became the norm by 8th grade.
& I chased that glamorous lifestyle, I was determined to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel, slay all the runways, dominate Hollywood, & make it “to the top”.
I did pretty well for a while. I was signed by a few modeling agencies over the years, & while I got to do some pretty cool stuff & see some beautiful photoshoot locations – I was filling the cracks of my heart with drugs, alcohol, sex, & anything else that might fill the void I was experiencing through my parents divorce, & my own relationship problems. (Other stories for another time)
My numbing tactics turned into addictions, which lead me down a dark path in that industry. One that until now, only people that knew me at that time & before my business know about.
I gave up my own self worth because I needed a paycheck. I sacrificed my body to feed an internal monster, a demon.
I allowed pictures to be taken of me that I will never get back. They will be out there forever, & it’s a reality that I will have to live with forever. I’ve always had a fear that at the exact, perfectly wrong moment, someone would bring them up in front of everyone I loved – & I would be left naked for everyone to finally SEE who I was at that time…
A drug addict.
Drowning in trauma.
Neglecting myself to the most extreme extent.
Dying, desperate, & alone.
But that power is mine, & mine alone, & I will never allow that choice to affect the life I have created. I am not ashamed anymore, & while there is a scar where the wound was – it doesn’t burnt with pain
Beautiful, amazing, gorgeous contrast to my current reality.
I am taking back my power surrounding this situation, my sexuality & my sensuality, my femininity… They are mine & I am not ashamed any more.
A huge reason why I said goodbye to my dreams in the entertainment industry, aside from horrible decision making, was that I was left unfulfilled. I would leave a photoshoot feeling stifled. No one cared about my mind, & I got sick of hearing complaints that I just wasn’t tall enough, or I was juuuust too thick. Feeling that my worth was determined by how much someone was willing to pay me for my looks.
At this point in time, I can finally say that I am so grateful for all that I experienced in that industry. If I hadn’t experienced the darkness that I had, I might still be chasing that empty dream.
The best gift I could have ever received in return for giving it all up – is the life I have now. & I just so happen to be in showbiz! Just a different, more amazing, badass kind 🙂